Growing up, I used to dream of getting married, having kids, and living “happily ever after”. My vision of “happily ever after” was having a spouse who loved me for everything I was, in good times and bad, my strengths and my weaknesses, and who, when we struggled, would remember our good days and dig deep to remember what we were fighting for…our family. A spouse who would be so focused on our family that the “background noise” would be just that, background noise. We’d be so locked in to each other and our kids that nothing else mattered. My self-identity was always built into our “happily ever after”, even from a very early age.
I used to go to my Aunt and Uncle’s house to see what “normal” families did in the evenings, since my Dad had moved out when I was younger, and I promised my future family no one would ever leave us. Those “normal” activities would be regular occurrences in our house. I remember relishing in my Uncle helping us with our homework while my Aunt made dinner, then enjoying a family meal together. It was my dream, and I put it on the imaginary list in my head of what I wanted my future family to do together.
Life doesn’t tell you that your dreams as a little girl will come with some tough times and hurdles in trying to achieve them, or with people who try to break you. And those people are typically the ones closest to you, the ones who are supposed to love you, build you up, and support you. That’s where the lessons are learned, the strength is built, and the proof that you can overcome anything is proven.
I’ve learned a lot of lessons in my 17-year marriage, but the biggest one came in January 2024 and the months/years that followed. I quickly realized that the ones you love the most will drop you and risk your entire life together just to protect themselves. No matter how much you try to talk about the facts and speak your truth, their lies and manipulation will speak louder than any scream of yours. But, I also learned that your children watch every move you make, even when you don’t think they’re watching. They know your character more than you do, and they won’t hesitate to stand up for the correct behavior, no matter their ages. I learned that you are so much stronger than you could ever imagine, and that you can accomplish so much when you focus on yourself and your kids. Just put your head down and focus on what’s essential: loving yourself and your kids. The more people tried to tear me down, the firmer I stood on the facts, our truth, and protected my kids. I quickly learned that my kids deserved to be shown the proper way to be loved by, and to love, other people, especially those important to them.
I also learned that I deserved to be loved and that I needed to love myself. The years of being torn down, insulted, and doubted had made me question my worth, and I believed all I deserved was the treatment I was receiving. After a while, though, this new fight proved to me just how worthy I was of actual love. When our life crumbled, the kids and I never missed a beat in our routines; we kept the happiness in our house and created new memories together. It was me picking up the pieces of our old life and keeping my kids safe, healthy, and happy. And it was me who never stopped fighting for the safety and health of my kids and myself.
I’ve always told my kids that challenging times build character, and this time has definitely strengthened all of our character. For that, I am eternally grateful. Difficult times also reveal a person’s true heart and character. You’ll see the most beautiful sides of people, as well as the ugliest. And boy, did we see people’s true selves! We chose to focus on the beautiful sides of people and understand that the truth will eventually come out. We focused on being grateful for the people who showed up for us when we needed them the most. People we never would have imagined who showed up to love us, laugh with us, and hug us in the days and months when we needed them. They are the ones for whom I am grateful and will spend the rest of my life trying to repay.
This experience has taught me that some people will never change. You can put all the facts in front of them, and they will rewrite all of those facts. You can stand firm in your character, and they will continue to tear it down. And you can continue to accomplish huge goals without them, and they will continue to call you a failure, and the reason it all went downhill. You can’t please everyone. We choose to stay true to our hearts and character, and take comfort in knowing the absolute truth will come out. One day soon.
As hard as the past two years have been, I would do it all over again just to have my four kids. Though our marriage and “picture-perfect family” didn’t end the way I had envisioned, we had some good years together, and I now have the four most incredible children with whom to share the rest of my life.
Stay true to your heart, love yourself, and never stop fighting for what’s right.
xo
Changing our Narrative 